Painful Reminders

The whole idea that I have another tumor growing in my spine hasn't really hit home yet. What I mean by that is, I haven't really noticed any extra pain, that is until just the last few days. I remember back to the first time that all of this happened. I had discomfort in my back first, then it moved to actual pain, after which it started to cause numbing sensations in the lower extremities of my body. By that Time the pain was unbearable. I think that with this tumor being in the "newer" stages of growth the pain won't get nearly as bad as the first time, before the Surgeons remove it. The thing I have on my side right now is that after the first surgery most of my upper back was completely numb. To this day, most of it is still numb. Some sensations have grown back over time, but I mostly feel pressure if touched on my back. With all the surface nerves that they cut through as well as the T2 nerve roots that were cut, I really don't feel much back there at all. If you cant feel it then it doesn't hurt right!? Well for the most part at least.

For the last few days I have noticed that numbing sensation around my mid section, or "Love handles" (yeah I do have them). The numbing is slight but noticeable. I have also noticed that I tend to get what feels like muscle cramps that don't go away, in my mid back. I wake up in the morning and feel OK, that makes sense, I have been laying down all night. The pressure from standing all day has been relieved during a nights sleep. At work things are great up until about noon, I then start to feel that cramping feeling. I guess the day is already catching up to me. If you think about it I have the weight of two arms and a large head bearing down onto that part of my spine. I then try to ignore it as best I can. By the time I get home it has already been bothering me for a while, I sadly tend to be a little more "short" with those I love most.

The best way I can describe it is something like this; Someone tapping you on the shoulder, at first you shrug it off, the tapping doesn't stop, they keep tapping you incessantly and you try to ignore it. Well by this time no matter where you go or what you do that person is right behind you tapping you on the shoulder. The tapping is in the same spot, so you are getting sore, annoyed, and frustrated. It just won't stop. Sooner or later you just can't ignore it any more and you snap. Too many times have my patience run out at the end of the day, when I get home and my little boys just want me to play with them. Instead there have been times where I have found myself brushing them off, trying to find some relief to the relentlessness of the "tapping on my shoulder". I get a little teary eyed just thinking about it. I hate to be that way.

These are the painful reminders of the first time we went through this and the reminder that I still have a bit to go through again. The pain isn't too intense. I can honestly say that it doesn't hurt too bad. However, it's the slight pain that goes on for a long time that wears you down. This is no excuse for being short with my boys or wife. When I am not feeling any discomfort I try to spend good quality time playing with the boys, and I love my time with them. I just need to find it deep down within to push the nagging aches to the back of my mind and not let it get to me. Hopefully that way I can spare my family of my childish moodiness, and lack of patience when I just can't take it any more.

With the Date of my operation moving closer and closer, I have to look for the positive things. I will be able to be home to spend more time with my Little Family. The constant aches and nagging twinges hopefully will be a thing of the past, albeit replaced by major aches and pains but hopefully they will be a more temporary ordeal. I will probably get to watch lots of M*A*S*H reruns too! (yeah I'm am a huge fan) Also the hope that this will be the final chapter of my surgery saga!