Man things can change so much in a number of weeks. Home feels so good but it is different, different because I am different. I am going to need to get used to how do do things at my own home now. It has been a challenge to just live. My body is still in shock. I find I am in such a surreal state, that it is hard to even feel like I am here. The Lord is helping me make it through each day, one day at a time. It is so incredibly hard right now as I am so dependent upon Amy to help me with everything. I hate feeling like I am a burden, I cry often because I am not independent as I used to be. It hurts to know that I can be the cause of so much stress and pain for others. Even though I am learning how to dress myself, and how to shower with little help, it is so physically taxing that I am absolutely spent by the time I am finished. My endurance is slowly increasing but to sit in my wheelchair all day long is painful. It is something I feel trapped in.
All of this is here is me venting, trying to just get out my feelings. I have down days and I have days that are better than others. I am coming off of some of my meds which will help with the down days.
I am learning to accept what is happening to me and I understand that it will take quite a while for me to be completely comfortable with my current situation. I also know that my strength will increase and I will be able to do more on my own. What I am lacking now is patience. I want everything to happen now. I want to be strong now, I want to be independent now. I just need to realize that things don't happen overnight, it takes time.
I have therapy sessions multiple times a week. Occupational therapy as well as Physical therapy. I learn how to do daily tasks in occupational therapy and we work on getting my left had functioning better as it is slowly degrading and losing strength due to the radiation treatments I have received. In physical therapy we work on doing core exercises and and strengthening my arms. This part is the worst as I have to sue my arms so much during the day that they don't get a rest. My arms are always sore and hurting. I guess you know what they say...no rest for the weary. This will improve over time too as my arms get stronger but for now...it is no fun.
I know that the only way I am surviving any of this is through the Lords help. Each day is a blessing I am here with my loving family who accepts who I am in my current situation, they love me and love to help me. Amy has shown me love in a way I could never imagine. She is someone who never will complain how hard it is. She just does what needs to be done. Despite how tired or how difficult taking care of me is she still manages to take care of all of the kids and me as well. She is beyond amazing and I love her so much for what she is doing. God has a plan in all of this. I have no idea what it is right now but one day it will be apparent. I wish I knew right now what it is or why this is all happening but in His time I will find out what that might be. I will put my trust in Him and let him guide us wherever we need to go right now, no matter how hard.
Elder Holland spoke of miracles and this is something I have held on to:
Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead.