I didn't know what I had signed up for

When I was told by the Doctors about the Myelogram it seemed like such a simple procedure. Once I went in for the procedure it confirmed to me that it really was going to be a breeze. I laid face down on the table and had my chin propped up on a pillow. My ankles were strapped to the table for when they would tilt the table to help the contrast move up and down my spine. I was actually quite comfortable.  The Doctor and nurses were great in explaining everything to me. Step by step they would let me know what they were going to do next.

As my gown was opened up I could feel the cold air in the room on my back. The Nurse then washed my lower back 3 times in preparation for the puncture. A few sharp pricks and a slight burning sensation followed.  I could feel them sticking the needle in a few more times but before long it was really numb. The only thing I could feel now was their hands resting on my back. I was't quite sure when they were going to stick the "big" needle in and start the actual injection of the dye. Suddenly I felt some pressure in my lower back and they began to let me know that I might feel some strange sensations. I didn't want to think about what they were actually doing because the thought of having someone sticking a needle in between my vertebrae and into the membrane that surrounds my spinal cord really wasn't something I wanted to spend a lot of time contemplating. I found my self searching for something to think about. Was there a quote I could repeat, a song I could sing to myself? I thought about the words to the song "I need thee every hour", the Chorus rang over and over in my head. I felt very calm throughout the rest of the procedure. I really was more of a mental game than anything else, It wasn't really painful it was just disturbing to think about what they were actually doing.

The narrations began again from the doctors as they drew out spinal fluid in preparation to inject the contrast or dye. Before I knew it the needle was out and they began tilting the table. There were a few up and down movements and some slight discomfort as the blood rushed to my head in the downward position, but before I knew it that part was done, and they had me roll over 3 times to help with the coating process.  I was supposed to stay laying down for at least an hour after the puncture so that the "hole" could start to clog up. They wheeled me around the hospital from one place to another so they could then take the scan of the spinal cord, which was the whole reason for the procedure.  I of course was flat on my back looking at the ceiling.

Even thousands of miles away from one hospital to the next every hospital has ceilings that look the same! The issue I was having was that my eyes were trying to look around too much. Going around corners and moving without seeing what was in from of you, only what was above you, was making me a little nauseated.  After the CT scan which was a piece of cake, we went in for the Simulation that I had described before, Everything else seemed to go very well. At least I thought so.

I was told that I might get a headache after this procedure, I had no clue what a "Post-dural-puncture-headache" or PDPH was. I really had no clue as to the possible severity of the headache.  Right after the procedure I felt a little uneasy and nauseated, I went back to the apartment and took it easy, yes there was a slight headache but nothing worth noting.  The next day, everything was great! No problems or headaches throughout the day. I thought the worst was over. We even went to visit the Intrepid aircraft carrier museum.  We walked all over Manhattan and I felt fine. It was Sunday Morning that I started to feel pretty rotten.  I went to a portion of Church before heading back to lie down. I was getting worried because I was flying out that day.

Once we hit the subway to make our flight out of JFK I thought, "OK I can make it no problem" by the time we actually made it to JFK I had no idea how I was keeping my lunch down. The Nausea was unbearable. The headache was increasing to a point I had never experienced.

I have suffered from headaches ever since I hit puberty, Migraines that would render me a sobbing baby. I have learned to deal with them, getting them maybe 1-2 times a month or less and have gotten to the point that the debilitating ones happen only a few times a year. In my entire headache history, I have never,ever experienced a headache as bad as the one that was mounting.  To say that I felt like my head was in a vice was an understatement. My skull felt like it was going to burst open at any moment. Before the plane even left the terminal I had the barf bag in my lap and my head buried in my hands. I knew I was going to loose my lunch any second. The Flight was expected to last just shy of 5 hours.

When the scriptures tell us to have a constant prayer in our hearts I took that to the absolute literal meaning. I prayed non stop for the whole flight, most of my prayers consisted of just a repetitive "please, please, please" I couldn't formulate anything else in my head. It actually hurt too much to think. I didn't know how I was going to make it. With my head on my Dad's shoulder I just kept my eyes closed and tried to remain calm. The time passed so slowly, that flight felt like it was never going to end.

I could feel when the plane started to slow down and the nose dipped towards Terra Firma. I knew I wouldn't have much longer to wait. Before I knew it the wheels hit the ground and we were taxiing to our gate. It was hard to stand up because the pain got worse when I did. Once the door was open and the jetway cleared we were out the door. It was good to feel the solid ground. For the last few hours between the subway, JFK sky train, and the airplane, my body had been in constant motion, making the motion sickness worse.

Walking out of the terminal, I got on the phone to Amy and tried to summarize what had happened for the last few hours trying to sound as up beat as I could. I told her I would see her just as soon as Mom came to pick us up and get me home. I walked out into the freezing night air and across the road in front of the terminal and Saw that Mom's car was waiting for us. I was relieved that we wouldn't have to wait for anything other than the ride home. Just as I looked up I saw Amy running towards me! I was shocked. I had no clue she was with Mom ready to pick us up. I stood there on the sidewalk and just bawled. It was so good to feel her arms around me, after just a week they almost felt foreign, yet so familiar at the same time. We just held each other.

The ride home started the whole motion sickness rolling again. The headache was still the worst part of it all and it made it so much easier for the nausea to set back in. By the time we made it back to Mom and Dad's to pick up Ethan and Wade, who were with Jessica, I was again ready to die, my outsides were in and my insides were about to come out! I could barely make it into the house, when I did I collapsed on the couch with my face buried into the cushion, trying to muffle the crying. I think I really worried Ethan and Wade because they came up to me and offered their cookies to me to make me feel better.

I ended out the rest of the evening vomiting my guts out at Mom and Dad's. It was the gut wrenching kind that leave you gasping for air and your body won't let you breath because of the violent stomach contractions. It was no fun at all. We did make it back to our house that night, and Amy made me a bed right next to the safest place in the house, the toilet. I had the most painful restless night I have ever had. There wasn't anything that I took or did that would help the headache, I was told to avoid Aspirin, Aleve, Advil, and anything that could thin the blood, this could prove dangerous after the procedure. I then remembered that they had mentioned Caffeine could help.

My loving super woman of a Wife made an early AM trip to Walmart to find me some Mountain Dew and some Excedrin Migraine, both of which contained Caffeine. I couldn't take the Excedrin until we called the Doctor in New York to get approval because it also contained Aspirin. By about 5AM I was finding some relief and I was able to snooze off and on for about 2 hours.

The rest of the week was spent laying down to avoid the painful throbbing, or a combination of sitting and lying as the week progressed and I started to feel better slowly.  I was able to work from home  for a day and a half  until I was able to be up on my feet for most of the day. It had been quite the week.

Looking back at it all right now, it is easy to say "Well, I made it through". I surely don't want to go through that ever again, but as this is now an event that is in my past, and I am alive and well right now at this very moment, I now know that I can make it through horrendous things and come out on the other side, maybe hurt in someway or another but hopefully stronger because of it, knowing that with God I can do hard things.

Myelogram and simulation for Radiation

We were informed that the insurance had accepted the request for approval on the Myelogram (click link). We were to come in Friday morning to have the procedure done and then following that we were to go into simulation, or preparation/setup for the upcoming treatments. This included being lined up for another CT scan and having a mask made that would cover my face and upper chest. This mask comes in after being warmed up in water making it soft and malleable. They then lay it over you and stretch it over your face and chest, locking it down to the table. It feels like you have had a warm wet towel over your face. It is perforated to allow it to mold without air pockets. Once it starts to cool down you can feel it restricting your movement. It hardens and becomes the brace that will immobilize you and position you exactly in the same place on the table every time you lay down there. Along with the mask they gave me another Tattoo dot on my chest for laser positioning reference. Everything is ready for me to return in a few weeks for treatment! Bring it on!!

Tumor board Results

The Tumor board met Thursday morning, my appointment to meet with Dr. Yamada was at about 1:00pm. Dad and I decided to take the uptown open air bus tour that morning to use some time up before the appointment. Luckily most of the buses have their winter "covers" on, basically just an aluminum frame with plexi-glass over it, because it started raining pretty good. The tour went well, we passed through the upper west side and Grants Tomb, then through Harlem and over to the east side of Central Park. That is where we got off the bus to walk the few blocks further east to the Hospital. Well a few blocks turned into quite a few blocks, the rain was coming down hard now. With hoods on, hands in pockets, and shoulders shrugged in trying to keep the wind out of our collars we kept up a brisk pace trying to make it there in good time. We actually made it there by about 1:15pm. That didn't seem to make a difference because as usual we ended up waiting for about an hour plus.

Josh popped in the door and with a very bright attitude he proceeded to confirm to us that the entire tumor board agreed with the conclusion they had reached the other day. We would be doing JUST radiation no Surgery. We would be doing a high dose low frequency treatment. My previous treatment was a low dose high frequency treatment. I had done 30 treatments of radiation. This time we would be doing 5 treatments of a high dose, a good blasting! This meant that instead of a months worth of treatments like we had initially anticipated, we would be doing just ONE WEEK!!! I cannot believe the blessings that we have been given. I have seen miracles unfold here in New York. We went from having no hope to being given a new hope for a long future and a better appreciation for life.

I am scheduled to go back to New York for treatments starting on the 12th of March. After my treatments I will go back for a follow up visit about 6-8 weeks later. I don't think this could have gone any better, an I honestly couldn't ask for more. I have noticed our Heavenly Father's hand in everything that has gone on here.

Good...no, FANTASTIC news from New York

With Lots of options on the table, from clinical Chemo trials to image guided Radiation to Surgery by some of the worlds finest, our spirits were lifted. Deep down we knew that all would eventually end up OK. The "how" was the missing piece. Through a lot of faith and prayers by more people than I can count, The Lord has answered our prayers. Sometimes we just need to take the leap of faith and move forward not knowing beforehand what we should do. Once we take action in a direction that we feel guided to it is then that we see the blessings unfold, an they have.
In speaking to Dr. Yamada we were informed that we needed to get some extra scans done so they could see exactly what they wanted to see. He mentioned that his initial impressions were that we would be doing radiation possibly assisted by some surgery to gain better margins around the spinal cord. Surgery was something I thought might happen, and I had come to terms with that. The best part was that we actually had a doctor that agreed there was something we could do to take care of this Cancer.

Our first meeting started at about 8:30am we did a lot of waiting and then we did more waiting at each doctors office. I believe that is something that is a requirement, you go to a doctors office, you wait, it seems that this is the same all over from one coast to another. No fun at all.

After the MRI we went back over to Dr. Yamada's office and waited to hear what he thought about the new images. He came in and told us that he thought we would have no problems doing more radiation, he said that after looking at the reports of my previous radiation treatments we still had room to work in terms of dosing. He mentioned that referencing the PET scan I had taken in SLC, the area of the tumor that was active was further away from the spinal cord, so the highest doses would not affect the cord directly, just the lower doses. Just after he asked us if we had any further questions and we were getting ready to leave, Dr Bilsky, the Neurosurgeon came down and wanted to see the scans too. Both of them consulted and spent about 15 mins looking over the scans, once finished they both came back to speak to us. Even though the actual Tumor board meets on Thursday mornings and it was only Tuesday, the two of them said that they felt like we could easily do this using radiation only, without the need for any surgery!

Wow, My spirits were boosted. My eyes started watering and I could barely hold back the emotion. In those words, All the prayers and thoughts offered in my behalf would not go unheard. The Tumor board will be the final word on Thursday and we would find out more about the schedule then.

New York

Well, I am writing from New York. I got on a plane this morning and we (Dad and I) flew from Salt Lake direct to JFK. The flight went well and we made it without losing anything, (we didn't check any bags on.) We had one heck of a taxi ride from the airport to Columbus Circle, which is near where Uncle Dave and his family lives. The Driver was either go or stop! I felt that the taxi ride was more rough than the flight was, and the pilot said we had 20 mph crosswinds on arrival. I am sure the driver had a foot on each pedal, sometimes using both at the same time. Well after getting out and being grateful to have solid ground under my feet we made it up to Uncle Dave's place. Their sweet family was expecting us and were so generous with putting us up for the week. We spent about 30 mins there before we left to go see my cousin Brandon's basketball game. Following the game Jen had such a great dinner prepared, Ribs, asparagus, green beans, foccacia bread, baby potatoes, tomatoes, and burratta mozzarella cheese! It was amazing! This followed by great conversation with Uncle Dave and Dad, wrapped up by a fantastic reading of "Green eggs and Ham" by my little cousin Lauren, made for a full day that will be one to remember.


This week has been one that I knew was coming up quickly. Now that it is here, it feels surreal. In the morning I will go and visit with Dr. Yamada, along with a few other doctors and surgeons. This is all to prepare the best base to work off of in coming up with a game plan for next month.

Leading up to this week I have been trying to get a hold of some extra pain. It was a pain that would radiate from my back and down my left arm. At first it was manageable, but after some time it got to the point where I had to do something about it. In speaking with my Medical Oncologist and the pain center at the Huntsman, they put me on some non-narcotic pain meds that are supposed to change the way my brain sees pain. Well, in weeks I was able to sleep all the way though the night. The only issue is that every 3 days I am to increase the doses to a point where I am pain free. Until now I have been taking them at night, I never noticed any side effects. Yesterday morning, was the first dose increase, well it didn't treat me very well. It made me really loopy and sick to my stomach. I was hoping that my body would get used to the dose before I got on the plane. Thankfully I was able to sleep some on the plane. The only side effect that I noticed was some light headed feelings. The pain is getting more manageable though. For that I am grateful.

Plans set in Motion

The last few weeks have been quite a roller coaster. We have seen the tender mercies of the Lord in our lives. We have seen his hand in everything that has happened. Things are "falling into place". I was contacted by Dr Yamada and we were given renewed hope, he told us he had dealt with many cases like mine, people who have had surgeries and previous radiation to the tumor site etc... He said we still have options. My chances in my eyes have skyrocketed! We have arranged to go to New York to visit with the Team at the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center.

Through Friends and Family I found that news travels like wild fire! We have had so many people contact us asking how they could help. It is so comforting to know that when times get tough people reach out to help. Right off the bat Frequent flier miles were donated so I could get back east to New York. So Many people came out and offered their earned miles so we could have that worry taken off of our shoulders. There have even been monetary donations made by many. My co-workers have been fantastic! I have such a great support group at work. They genuinely care and are some of the most selfless people I know.

There have been people at work who have gone to great lengths to see if they could donate their hard earned Paid time off to me so I could have the time to go get treated, and not have to worry about the missed hours and wages. Something like this didn't exist in our employee handbook, but with such a desire to help, a company policy was created within a very short amount of time that would allow one's earned PTO to be donated to an employee going through a medical hardship like this. I have never known people with such great heart! I am a part of a workplace "FAMILY" who looks after their own. I am so grateful to them, I don't quite know how to express it.

I am scheduled for an initial consultation and a series of tests to happen in New York During the week of the 13th of Feb. I am so blessed to have Family that lives in Manhattan who have offered their home to me for as long as it takes. Like I said earlier, everything is just falling into place. I am benefiting from the hard work and planning of many to be able to help me get to where I need to be to be treated by some of the worlds best doctors.

After the initial visit I will come home for a week or two while the Doctors set a game plan. I will be in touch with them and I will find out when the treatments will start. The plan is for me to be out there for about a month to be treated, this could change depending upon the game plan that is decided upon.

Through all of the goodness that we have seen over the last little while I have come to know that, People truly have a desire to help each other. When we work together great things happen.
Thanks to all for the thoughts, prayers, donations of every kind, and genuine Love.

Time to catch up: Bad News

Wow, it has been a long time since I last updated my blog. In my defense life has been so good to me. I have been enjoying myself too much that I haven't made time to come back here to share anything new. The Last year has been a great one, I stayed out of hospital stays for a full year! We went fishing, camping, hiking, and spent a week at Bear Lake with the Family. I realize how blessed I have been to be able to take part in all of these things. Ethan and Wade have grown like weeds and it has been so much fun to be able to watch them play together and to be able to play with them. I am so blessed to have such a great little family, especially a fantastic loving wife. I don't think I will ever be able to express to her how grateful I am to have her in my life, she is truly my guardian Angel. She watches over me and keeps me in line, she loves me for who I am.

I am really starting this up again because the Doctors have found recurrence of my tumor. Once again this stubborn thing just doesn't want to let go, but neither do I. I started having some pain in my upper back that slowly got worse. I, of course trying to keep hope and think of the best, tried to ignore the pain, reasoning with myself that it was due to strained muscles from the hiking I had done earlier or the extra lifting I had done, or something else, something, anything but cancer again. It finally got to the point where the pain was too strong and had lasted too long to be "just" something simple.

I called and bumped up my regular scans to a month earlier than they were scheduled. They got me in within the next week and I underwent the regular barrage of scans that I had gone through every 3 months for the past 3 years. The worst one of them is the MRI. I have gotten to the point where I can almost fall asleep during an MRI but so do my elbows, my backside, and the back of my head. For those of you who are lucky enough to have never had an MRI they don't have a padded surface to lay on. They put down a "blanket" before you lay down but that is about it. During the hour and a half that you are in the tube, you cannot move at all. So obviously everything falls asleep. Anyways... I finished the scans and went home for a weekend of waiting, and trying not to think about what the results might reveal.

Monday morning, the 9th of Jan Amy and I entered the Oncologist's office and tried to stay positive. The results came back showing a small mass growing on the spine around the T1-T3 areas. This is the same place as before. They were positive and encouraging, reminding us that it was small and according to the last scans it looked like it was growing very slowly. They said that we had options for treatment but we found out that my Neurosurgeon didn't think that surgery was a good one because the tumor was located deep enough that they would have to go through the chest to access the spine from the other side. This would include moving organs and other vital parts out of the way. This was too risky considering the fact that there was no guarantee they could get all of the tumor out. They all recommended that we do more Radiation.

When I went in to meet with the Radiation Oncologist, I was hopeful. I Felt like we were going to make it out of this somehow. My hopes we shattered when after much discussion she told me that they wouldn't be able to deliver high enough doses of radiation to the site to effectively treat the tumor. She told me that because of the Radiation treatments I had before, the cumulative radiation dose would damage my spinal cord, possibly causing vital nerve damage that could lead to my organs shutting down, and eventually death. It was then that she told me that she recommended I go home and enjoy the quality of life that I currently have.

In my mind I knew what I heard but I really didn't believe what I had heard, I had just been told by a medical professional, I was going to Die!

I sat there and looked at the floor for a long time, I didn't know what to say... the Doctor kept talking but I wasn't paying much attention. I just kept shaking my head. I never thought, through all of the last 3 years, that I would have someone tell me I was going to die. Sure I often thought about it , "What happens if this is what ends up taking me Home? What would happen to Amy, Ethan and Wade? Would they betaken care of?" All sorts of thoughts go through your mind and you try to kind of ready yourself if that situation were to ever come. There have been times in the last few years that I have actually been at peace with the thought that this might kill me. But to actually be sitting in a Doctors office, and to hear that this tumor would really do it?!?... I had cold sweats come over me and I really started to feel a little queasy. I was glad my Dad was with me during the visit, I had almost decided to go by myself. That would have been a disaster.
As we walked out of the office there were nurses that came by and tried to offer their comfort, I was grateful for their concern but it wasn't helping. I didn't know what to think, or feel, or even say. I didn't know what I was going to tell Amy. I was trying to find a way out of this, out of the sentence I had just been given, the fear had hit me so hard.

Dad offered to take me to lunch at the cafeteria in the Church office building. We drove down the hill towards his work and Dad got on the phone to Uncle Dave in New York. He mentioned that we would probably want to get in touch with Josh Yamada for a second opinion. Josh is a Spine tumor specialist in Manhattan that we were connected with through Dave just before we started Radiation treatments a year and a half ago. Dave told us he would get in touch with Josh and have him call me.

In the Church office building after we ate lunch we went up stairs to Dads office. I sat there looking out the west side of the building directly across from the Salt lake Temple. As I sat looking at the Temple I felt a calm come over me, I was going to be alright. It was from this moment that the Lord started showing me little signs that he was aware of my fears and thoughts, he was in control of this and he would make sure, in the end, things would be OK. Dad asked a co-worker, Elder Gibbons in the Temple Dept to help him give me a priesthood blessing. I was overwhelmed by the words spoken in the blessing. I felt like the Lord had his arms wrapped around me. As we were walking out of Elder Gibbons office, we came to a bank of 6 elevators. In the church office building the elevators have scriptures that are posted up on the walls for you to read as you go to your floor. They are different in every elevator. The elevator that happened to open for us had a very tender scripture on the wall for us to read.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.

Some might call this coincidence, not me, I know that the Lord cares for us and He knows our Pains and Sorrows, He is always there to let us know it. He was there for me just when I needed Him. I look back over my life and especially over the last 3+ years and He has always been there for me, to carry me when I couldn't walk any more, to boost my spirits when I was down, to hold my hand when I was alone, and to give me hope when I had none. Many people I know are not "Believers", that doesn't change the way I feel about them nor the fact that He is real, I have had too many special experiences for it to be coincidence, I have come to a knowledge of it being real. He waits for all to find out for themselves that He is real and He loves us.

What is Cancer?

My sister Jessica Is such an Artist. Not only on the canvas but with words as well. Recently she wrote an incredible account of how she remembers my struggles, as well as her experiences with others who have had Cancer. Please take a moment to read through it. It is very moving. I love you Jess!


The bell rings, it’s 2:45 and school is out for the weekend. I run to my turquoise green locker and fumble with the combination. The door clanks and swings open as I grab my coat and all my art stuff and shove it under my arm. I slam my locker door shut and sling my bag over my shoulder, heading for the commons. The rest of the high school kids flood from their class rooms like an exodus. I watch the mob of teenagers flow down the stairs into the commons like a waterfall. A constant buzz fills the room, cell phones ring, and laughter echoes.

I find Mallorie, a junior and a year younger than me. We head toward my ring of friends stopping and saying hi to those we pass. We talk for a while; there is always much to tell since we haven’t seen each other in at least 2 hours. I fumble with my keys and motion to my friend that we should go. We head across the crowded common area toward the front doors. I feel a buzz in my pocket, so I set my art stuff down and reach for my phone while trying to maintain the rest of my load. Mallorie stops and waits for me as I look at the little blue screen emerging from my pocket. Mom. I flip the open phone.

“Hey, mom, what’s up”

“Jess, do you have a second to talk?”

I can barely hear her over the constant buzz . I plug my other ear, and press the phone closer to my ear.

“Sorry mom, I can’t hear you, I’m heading out the door now. I’ll be home soon”

“Jess! We need to talk now!”

Looking for a place to escape the incessant noise, I think of my friend’s mother, who has an office here. I glance around till I find it, then dart inside. Mallorie follows me with the art stuff I left behind

“Ok, I can talk.”

“ Chad is in the hospital. His T2 vertebra in his spine collapsed when he was lifting a cap stone. He went to his doctor thinking he just threw his back out. They took a series of scans and his doctor told him to get to the hospital. When he got to the hospital, they scheduled emergency surgery . They said if he moved wrong he would be paralyzed from the waist down… Jess, they think he has cancer in his spine…”

The coat draped over my arm slides to the ground. Suddenly my world stills. I feel hot liquid run down my cheeks. The thud of my heart loud in my ears. My fingers feel cold against my face. The commons now echo in silence. I can’t speak. My brother has cancer.

“Jess... Jess!”

“ Yeah” I whisper

“Sweetheart... I need to go and watch his kids so Amy can go down to the hospital. I won’t be here when you get home. I need to go. I’ll call you when I get there, ok. Love you, everything will be ok!”

Then only silence.

“Cancer V. To infect and corrode a person or thing through the introduction of a malignant or destructive influence. To eat it’s way slowly and incessantly like a cancer”

(“Oxford English Dictionary”)

I see pictures tinted with greens and yellows. I am 6. An old leather photo album sits on my lap.

“Mom, why did grandpa die!”

I hold up an aged picture of a grey-haired man with a bushy mustache. The man holds a baby wrapped in a pink, fluffy blanket. He sits on a blue couch that is covered in orange and brown tulips. My mom looks down at me, and smiles.

“That’s your sister, you know.” She takes the picture in her hand. And sits next to me on the cold tile.

“That’s Ashley!” I lean over, pointing my little pudgy finger at the pink baby.

“This was 3 years before he died”

“Mom, how did grandpa die?”

“He had something called cancer; it makes someone extremely sick”

“How did he get it?”

“The doctors thought that it could have been when your grandpa was with the navy. They were testing bombs on the Pacific Ocean. They think the radiation in the bombs is what gave him cancer” she says.

“Do you know what his name is,” she asks, pointing to the man with the bushy mustache I shake my head “It’s Don” she answers.

“Just like my middle name, Dawn.” I say.

I turn the page of the leather-bound album with yellow and green tinted pictures. I see a picture of my aunts and uncles outside on a sunny day, They stand behind a wooden box with flowers on it. They all try to smile. Below that picture a pale man lays on a white pillow his eyes closed; all in white. His head is bare and he has no bushy mustache. But I recognize him.

There are over 100 diseases that fit under the category of cancer. Where the effected area of the body has cells that grow at a rapid rate ( “American Cancer Society”). Researchers divide cancers in to two groups genetic and environmental. The majority of cancer is environmentally caused this includes 90 - 95% of patients. Many things can be a factor, choice in life style, old age, radiation, infections, obesity and environmental pollutants (“Cancer”). All cancers start because of abnormal cells grow out of control, the end result being cancer ( “American Cancer Society”).

“Are you ready?” my roommate asks. She grips my braided ponytail in one hand and scissors held tight in the other.

“Just do it,” I say. I watch her in the mirror, she puts the scissors to my hair. I can’t Look. I close my eyes tight. I force my eyes open. Her eyes are closed. I yelp.

“Don’t you close your eyes!” Her eyes fly open and she smiles nervously.

My other roommate comes closer with a camera to document the experience. She begins the recording.

“Jessica is donating her hair to locks of love,” she says, narrating our every move.

I give the camera the same nervous smile that my roommate had only moments ago. She puts the scissors back to the braid and I hear the first snip. My hair is thick, and the scissors gnaw at my hair as she tries to cut through the whole pony tail. She grabs a sharper pair of scissors but they still gnaw at my hair like the others did. My breath quickens. ‘What if this doesn’t work? What if it looks horrible?’ I think to my self. The gnawing continues, 2 minutes have passed. Finally she takes the last snip and raises my hair in triumph. She passes me the 11-inch braid of brunette hair. I did it. My roommate pulls another elastic from the hair on my head which she used as a guide. My hair falls to my shoulders.It is short and choppy, and definitely needs some work. I cry but I don’t know why. Maybe because I did it, maybe because it’s all gone, and maybe because I’m excited to show my brother that I did it for him.

Cancers and tumors are classified by what is presumed to be the origin. The names of the different types of cancer are added as a suffix to a Greek or Latin word of the organ that is effected. Carcinoma, Sarcoma, Lymphoma, Leukemia, and Blastoma, all with their daunting names, don’t make the cancers any less invasive. A biopsy or surgery is needed to be able to make a complete diagnosis. (Wikipedia)

We walk through the halls of Primary Children’s Hospital. The Brightly painted walls greet me and the air is filled with a sterile smell. Hand sanitizer guards the entrance to every door. We enter a dark room. In the corner stands a crib and adjacent is a cot. My cousin gets up from the cot and comes to hug us. She spends most of her time here now. The room is full of balloons, flowers and Children's toys. We all walk close to the edge of the crib and peer in. There he lays, in a diaper with tubes protruding from his body. Ten-month-old Lucas has cancer. He lies awake but so still. His teddy bears arm clenched in one hand. When he sees us he pulls the bear over his eyes.

“He does that when the doctors come in, he whimpers sometimes. He’s afraid of the doctors and their needles” she says

He’s a quiet baby, sweet and gentle, even when he’s in a world of pain. His face still covered by his bear, I watch his delicate chest rise and fall. I look at his mother who clutches the neck of her sweater in hand. My heart aches for her.

Cancer is known as a fatal disease. As of 2004 cancer claimed 13% of all deaths. In general more than half of it’s patients die from cancer or it’s treatments. The rate of survival for each type of cancer varies greatly; from most patience surviving to no patience surviving. Many factors of the length of survival depend on the type of cancer, the patience health before, and the age of the patient. Survivors need regular cancer screenings to make sure the cancer has not returned. Even after recovering from cancer and it’s treatments, there are several side effects. On occasion it is accompanied by physical and emotional difficulties. Usually it requires rehabilitation and other forms of extensive care.

We stand there, on an over cast day, gathered around baby Lucas’ casket covered in flowers. His teddy bear lays on the bed of flowers. We watch white balloons drift into the sky, let go by his two older brothers and parents. I glance over at my brother Chad, his scalp pale and bare. He grips Amy’s hand and I watch the tears freely flow down his face. The tip of his scar from his surgery barely visible above the back of his white collared shirt.

Cancer claims the lives of those we love. It takes some and leaves others though we cannot choose who will survive, it is a fight that we can endure and overcome. I have learned that life can be cut short, so I must take each moment of my life and savor it. When we loose something we have the option of becoming cold and bitter, or grateful for what we do have and the things we have left. It’s in our attitude about how we face the world everyday. No matter the outcome, it’s how we bear the burden that truly counts.

Clean and Clear for Christmas!

We recently went back in to the Huntsman to undergo an entire day of tests and exams.They started out by getting an IV going first thing in the morning. They took some blood labs and then sent me off for my MRI. Because of their scheduling I had to walk down to the University Hospital to have the scan done. When I got there I ended up waiting for over an hour beyond the scheduled time for me to get in. Luckily I had already had an IV started and left in so they didn't have to stick me again for the contrast solution they gave me during the scan. Once they got me in I had a Cervical spine and Thoracic spine scan. A single scan takes forever but having both done sequentially was an eternity. After laying in the "tube"(on an unpadded board) for over an hour and a half, my backside was dead asleep, and my arms had gone in and out of that tingling feeling, and my body was aching. The only positive thing about it was I got to listen to an hour and a half of "The Dave Matthews Band" on the head set.

I of course was behind schedule for my appointment with Dr. Schmidt, my neurosurgeon, when I got up there they had me fill out the paper work and got me in for X-rays. At this time Amy had come up to meet me in the Neurosciences building. X-rays were uneventful as usual, however I always enjoy meeting with the Technician. His Name is Ralph. He is so easy to talk to and makes the whole experience rather fun. The best way to describe him is, he is a fun loving, graying, ponytailed, mustache wearing hippy. I have the highest regard for this guy, He is so knowledgeable and loves to tell you stories about how the X-ray business has evolved. He has been doing this for decades. He started his career out as an X-ray tech in the Army. Anyways I guess he recently had gotten an offer to work somewhere else much closer to his home so he won't be there for my next X-rays. Bummer. I'll miss him.

The visit with Dr. Schmidt went well and because the scans had just been done, and the final report had not been submitted to the system, he didn't have anything revealing he could tell us. The X-rays looked good and we were in and out before we knew it.

While we were in the office with Dr. Schmidt and were looking at the scans on the screen, I tried to see if there was anything blatantly wrong. I am not a radiology tech but I have seen enough of my own scans to know kind of what my spine should look like. Other than what he explained to be scar tissue, to my untrained eye things looked OK. I was however still very nervous. There are the smallest things that could be present that could come back as being more tumor forming. Only the Final report would be able to tell us the real story. We just had to wait.

After the visit with Dr. Schmidt we drove over to the Research park, where they have another Scan center. Because we were trying to fit all of this in one day, they had us running everywhere due to scheduling. I had a CT scan scheduled that wasn't supposed to take very long. We ended up waiting in the lobby longer than it took for me to have the scan. About 20 mins. waiting and about 2 mins for the scan. I sure wish they could advance MRI scan technology to where it would take minutes for the scan instead of hours. Oh well, maybe one day.

We headed over to a small bakery/deli on the corner for some late lunch and Amy sat and talked for a while. I was still anxious and she seemed to be as calm as she has ever been. The Lord seems to have blessed me with such a wonderful wife, we balance each other so well. When I am freaking out she seems to be calm and when she freaks out (she never does) I am calm and relaxed. It sure makes things like this more manageable. At least one of us always has our head on straight.

We spoke of all the things we had been through in the last two years, and how if they did find something again , we would handle it. She reminded me that the Lord would take care of us. He has always been there for us and would continue to be.

The time had come for us to go and visit with my Medical Oncologist. My heart was racing. Inside I knew something was wrong, I was having all sorts of aches and pains over the last few weeks. I was trying to prepare myself for the worst. I was trying to think of where I would get the energy and willpower to go through more surgery or chemo. I knew we could do it, I just didn't know how. I was tired of it all, we had come so far, I wanted to get back to some sort of "normalcy" what ever that meant.

I had been praying more frequently than in the past, I found myself pleading, and at times almost begging to receive good news and good health. It is funny how when things go bad for us we seem to pray more often, and when life is great it gets put on the back burner and we tend to forget to pray always. All of this has given me perspective on how I need to pray. I find myself having more meaningful prayers, I pray with more gratitude, and I thank the Lord for the health that I DO have. I thank the Lord for each day I am here. I especially thank Him for My Family.

We went in and waited for the Oncologist team to come in and give us the news. I sat there with thoughts racing through my head...was it going to be all good, or would we have to get ready for harder times ahead? I felt my heart almost skip a beat when the door suddenly opened. They came in and chatted with us about how I was feeling and how things were going. They then gave me the news I needed to hear.

No visible changes, no new growth!!

I was in shock. I almost wanted to ask the Docs if they were sure. I was overwhelmed. I broke down into tears. I was so grateful to my Heavenly Father for this wonderful gift. Christmas would be so great this year! The issues that I have been noticing are due to extensive amounts of scar tissue, 2 surgeries and 30 treatments of Radiation seem to create lots of it. Some good physical therapy should help relieve the symptoms I am feeling.

The Team then spoke to me about possibly doing some new preventative measures. There is a new treatment that they have been giving to patients with osteoporosis that is meant to help the bones become more dense and harder. This has proven successful in patients with bone cancers. It almost makes it harder for the cancer to take root. They used the analogy of changing the soil for a seed. If you change the composition of the soil the seed has a harder time growing. It is a 15 minute infusion that I will probably do on my next appointment. They said that side effects might include fatigue for a few days, some minor body aches and that was about it. If this will help to give me better chances of keeping the cancer from growing again, then I'm all for it.

Man I am so grateful to be doing as good as I am. There were times where I really wondered if this might be the thing that would take me from this world. I spent lots of time thinking about death, I know its not healthy to do that, but it seemed to be a constant stone around my shoulders. I tried so hard to be positive. It is difficult to have faith that all will be well when you are physically feeling otherwise. I had to rely on Amy's faith at times. She knew that things would be OK, and they were.

I have learned that faith and the proper actions can bring about miracles!

Life and Thanksgiving.....

Well it sure has been a while since I last updated this blog. I guess I have been caught up in getting back to normal. I finished my radiation treatments and things have been going very well. I have been grateful for the opportunity to have been treated by the best methods available. I have enjoyed getting back to work and back to a normal routine. My strength is back up to par and I was even in shape enough to go out hunting this year. I didn't bring home anything but I had an incredible time being out in the mountains with awesome friends, who were good enough to show a rookie hunter the ropes. This was my first year out hunting big game, I drew out on the Utah Northern region Buck/Bull combo tag. It was such a great experience. It has been something I have been meaning to do for a few years but haven't been able to.

I have really gained a new perspective on life. Through all of this I seem to have been taught the importance of Family, Faith, and life. Each day is a gift. I guess there is nothing better to teach you how blessed you are than experiencing an illness that has taken countless lives. I consider myself blessed and fortunate to still be here. I have come so far from the first few days after my first surgery. Not being able to walk, balance, or even go to the bathroom for that matter. Now I can run, hike, work, stand on one foot and even go to the bathroom ;) I truly have seen the power of God in my life. I must still have something important to do in this life to still be here. I have learned but am still learning that time on the floor playing with my boys is some of the most precious time I have. Making memories is what it is all about. Losing yourself in the service of others is so rewarding, I almost feel selfish because of how I feel after lending a hand. I feel like I have so much more to learn and I know I fall short in so many ways. One thing I have learned is that we can't do anything without the help from God. He is in total control and we need to learn to trust in and follow His commandments, they are the true path to real happiness.

I am so grateful for all of my Family and Friends who uplift and enrich my life.

Thanks to all, and Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

First week of Radiation

I have made it through my first week of Radiation therapy. So far it has been a good experience. Compared to Chemo, this is much better. I am starting to feel a little irritation in my throat and I can tell I don't have as much energy through out the day as I am used to. The tumors I have had are in the very upper part of my back, the esophagus is near the spine where they are radiating so it does get minimal doses of radiation, causing a sort of sunburn and hence the irritation. However the chemo from last year absolutely knocked me out. I was so drained I didn't have the energy to do anything but sleep. It caused me hair loss, severe heart burn and throat, stomach and bowel irritation. I really didn't enjoy chemo at all. I know it sounds kind of twisted but Radiation is a welcomed change, so far....

I have been molded, or positioned so that I will be in the same spot every time I go in for a treatment. The blue pad is a large bean bag that has been molded around me laying down and all of the air has been sucked out so it retains its shape. The mask is molded around my face so that my head is always in the same place. It is all quite interesting laying there confined and having your head "bolted" to the table. I am then targeted by lasers to calibrate the table position, and minor adjustments are made so that things are precise. The table then moves me back into the tube and I receive my radiation dose. In about 15 mins I am out and on my way. Total time from when I go in to when I leave is about 20-25 mins. The worst part is just having to go in every day.

Back to Work and getting back to normal

For the last two months I have been home from the hospital and recovering very well. Within the first week of being home I got off my pain meds. I found that They were making me quite dizzy and groggy, Tylenol gave me almost the same amount of pain relief but no dizziness or grogginess. So I went from prescriptions to Tylenol. After about a week and a half I was off the Tylenol too.

I was in for some intense Physical therapy as well. I got worked good and I could feel that my muscles were on their way back. I also felt that my muscles were really sore too. It did hurt at times and I got really tired but I kept thinking back to a quote that was up in large letters in the Physical therapy office.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
-Lance Armstrong

One thing I have found for myself is that when it gets tough and things suck, just realize that it will pass, it lasts for a little while, but it will get better. You need to think forward to better times. Visualize yourself doing something you love, being where you want to be, and realize that soon you will be there looking back and all the hardship you are trying to endure will be over with. It will be a memory and you will have conquered. It is such a tough mental game though. It isn't easy to think that way, but if you accompany that mindset with the power of prayer, you will witness your own little miracle of relief, and strength to push through the hard times. I am so greatful for the many little miracles I have been a part of and those I know the Lord will bless me with.

I was able to start back at work on the 1st of July. It felt good to be productive again. Don't get me wrong I loved spending more time with my little family and watching my boys grow. But I know that I probably got on Amy's nerves a little bit too often. It was good for all of us to get back to a normal daily routine. I need to thank Amy though for what she has done for me through all of this. She honestly takes care of three boys, me being the third. She does a great job and I will forever be grateful for the compassion she has shown me.

Recovery at the hospital

When I woke up from surgery I guess I was really loopy. My family told me of all sorts of funny things I was saying and doing. I really don't remember much, by the time I do remember, I had already been in the ICU for a while. I remember laying there in bed looking at the ceiling tiles. One thing I have noticed is that in every hospital I have ever been in, the ceiling tiles look exactly the same! You think they could put different patterns in there, or throw an occasional picture up there. I have been told that in places at the Primary Children's Hospital they have painted murals on the ceiling. I bet the kids appreciate it. I know I would. Looking around the room I noticed all sorts of equipment, wires, and monitoring stuff. I remember feeling heavy, and groggy. I can barely remember any conversation with visiting family, it is all kind of a blur. I know that my parents and siblings came and took turns staying overnight with me, I don't remember who was there and when though.


After the surgery I noticed that I had some strange numbing in certain areas. My Left pinky and back side of my left hand were numb. My right Forearm had no feeling, and the top left part of my thigh was numb. It was kind of uneasy feeling, why was I numb? Did something go wrong during surgery? Did they nick any nerves while they were in there? I didn't get answers right away but was told eventually that due to the way I was positioned on the operating table, I had some surface nerves pinched. Laying on my stomach my arms were positioned below me hanging naturally yet my elbows were resting on a hard surface, right where the nerve runs across the elbow is where they were resting. This pinched the nerves to the point of putting my arms to sleep. They were pinched in just the right way to effect the specific areas they did. You also have a nerve running over the front of your hip. The pressure of me laying on it for a few hours caused my left thigh to go numb. It feels like when you fall asleep on your arm, you wake up and can't feel a thing. I have that feeling in the specific places I mentioned. I was told that 95% of the time the feeling will come back. The worst part about it is that the whole process of waking up your arm isn't pleasant.

Think about the last time you fell asleep on your arm. It is annoying, then when the feeling starts to come back it tingles. Then comes the painful pins and needles, and the hyper sensitivity, where it hurts to touch it. After wards your feeling comes back and all is well. This usually happens over about 5 mins at most. Mine has been happening over the last 2weeks_so far! Right now I am at the hyper sensitivity stage. It hurts really bad. It is however progressing...at least in my pinky and left thigh. My right forearm isn't doing much other than staying numb. There are times where I wonder if the pain in my pinky and thigh are worse than the pain in my back.


We were very pleased to find out that the surgery went much better than expected. Here is an excerpt from an email my mom sent out;

Chad went in this morning around 6:00 AM. We were told to expect a 5-9 hour operation with all they planned to do. They actually started operating after all the preparations about 8:50. By 10:50 AM we were told they were removing his Titanium rods from his last operation. Shortly aft 1:00 PM the Surgeon came out and met Amy and Debbie who were in the waiting room. Amy was shocked to see him so soon. He was beaming from ear to ear. After removing the rods, they inspected the T-3 vertebrae and the growth did not look like the previous cancer they had taken out last year. They scraped the growth off the bone, replaced it with some cadaver bones, replaced the rods and sewed him back up. The previous cages placed in the location of the T-2 vertebrae removed last year are fusing well and did not need to be removed. The T-3 was not removed.

They re-opened my initial scar and apparently they were able to get to all of the growth without having to tear into the prior fusion. They did however have to cut the right side rib that connects to the T3, so that they could get around the side of the vertebrae. In doing so I now have a floating rib, and a permanently severed right side T3 nerve root. They did the same thing the first time around. The T2 ribs were cut off from the vertebrae and both right and left side T2 nerve roots were cut and tied off. The T2 was then removed and the cages were placed. I was told that the T2-3 nerve roots are mainly supplying sensory nerves under my arms and across my chest. With out them I lack feeling in my armpits and across small portions of my chest. With the Addition of the right side T3 root being severed, I think I have my answer to why my right forearm is still numb without much progression towards any feeling. So total I have 3 floating ribs and 3 severed nerve roots! Oh and I guess I ended up with a small hole in my right Lung too, they weren't too worried about that though. Cool Huh?

I was very much looking forward to keeping any hardware they replaced, but It all stayed right where they put it the first time. I was truly blessed. I know that because they only scraped the growth off the bone instead of removing the vertebrae all together, my recovery will be as miraculous and as quick as was the surgery.

The Nurses needed me to get up and move, not only to get me going but I had to go down and get x-rays. The first time I stood up my legs started shaking violently, and I had to lay back down after just a of seconds of standing. Talk about painful. They then wheeled me down to X-ray and got me up again, they had me stand up by myself so I could get the x-rays done. I didn't think I was going to make it but somehow it all just happened, during the x-rays only a little while after I had first stood, I didn't shake or pass out, The Lord gave me the strength I needed.

The following days were no fun. I didn't feel like eating anything, Amy did get some Apple sauce in me though. She was so sweet. You just don't feel good and I apparently can't do narcotics very well either. If they are given through an IV, I seem to be able to handle it, at least my stomach can. My lower digestive tract just seems to shut down regardless if it is IV or tablet form. The minute they give me pills and take me off the IV narcotics.....it's over! I tend to get SO SO sick! The nausea is unbearable and there seems to be no relief. They can give me all sorts of nausea meds and it won't help. Trust me they have tons of different ones, I think during chemotherapy last year they gave me every nausea med they had. Regardless, with the Narcotics nothing seemed to help.

Once again experience from the first time came back. The same thing happened last year. After many days of nausea the Doctors finally decided to change my meds from narcotics to prescription strength Tylenol derivatives. It was all sunshine and flowers after that. So this time we told the Doctors the same thing, and even gave them the name of the pain killer that worked for me last year. Of course Doctors always seem to know better and shrugged it off. We got to the point this time where we almost demanded to have my meds switched. I couldn't take it anymore. The doctor said the pain killer I was telling them about wouldn't be strong enough. We again told him of how well it worked last time. I can tell you, there is a surprising amount of pain you can stand when you feel OK. As soon as you are nauseated you turn into a big baby and everything is miserable. I would rather feel more pain taking the "lighter" pain killer, but having no nausea, than be out of pain but sicker than a dog.

Thankfully the pain killer was finally switched and I started to feel better. I say "finally" because we had a slight communication issue with the nursing staff. As good as the nursing staff was, and they were good, English was a second language to the majority of them. The last thing you want to have problems with when you feel like crap is communication. The Nurse didn't quite get what we were trying to tell her, when we asked to have my meds switched. She being the intermediate voice between me and the doctor, I guess things got lost in between. So the switch in my meds didn't happen for many hours, the majority of the day actually. Last year when the Doctors decided to switch my pain meds it took all of about 30 minutes and I was on the lighter stuff.

The next obstacle I ran into was trying to get my lower digestive tract back to normal. Anyone who has been through a big surgery knows that being immobile for days and having the narcotics do their number on you, you end up well.... plugged. There is no sugar coating here, it is not fun. They give you all sorts of stool softeners for days in hopes that it will make things easier to pass. All it does is turn the upper half of your digestive tract into a churning belly ache while the bottom end is blocked. Excuse the analogy here but it's like having a bullet train trying to pass an old steam locomotive. After about 5 days it gets so painful you will do anything to find relief. In my case a 4:00 am nasty concoction of milk of magnesia and something else, had me feeling much better by about 6:30 am. I'll leave it at that.

Monday after the surgery I found myself going crazy. A hospital stay is such a mental game. You have to try your hardest to keep it together. You can honestly watch only so much TV. You are stuck in a small room looking at the ceiling, trying to keep you mind busy so you don't stare at the clock for hours. There are times when that clock doesn't move! It stares back at you almost in a mocking manner, trying to push you to see if you will break. The worst is when you doze off and think you have slept for hours, when in reality you have been out for about 25 mins! You really have to learn patience. Maybe the Lord knew I needed to exercise my patience a little more. I remember the talk given by Deiter F. Uchtdorf, in the most recent General Conference about patience. He spoke of how it wasn't merely waiting. Here is what he said;

Patience Isn’t Merely Waiting

... I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort.

There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

I had to learn how to endure it well. This seemed much harder to actually do than to just read about it. Yet through hope, faith and constant conversation with the Lord, he finally gave me what I wanted most; my ticket out of there!

The doctor came in and asked me how I would feel about going home today or tomorrow. I was shocked! I had my surgery on Thursday and Monday they were asking me when I wanted to go home. I was dying to get out of there but I wasn't sure I was physically ready. I got to thinking. OK I can either lay in bed here or I can lay in bed at HOME! It didn't take me long to make up my mind. I was going Home.

Actually we decided to stay one night at Mom and Dad Hirschi's in the Salt Lake Valley before heading up to our place in Riverdale. The best part was walking through that door to see my two little boys and having them scream Daddy! Talk about medicine, that was a huge dose of "get better quick". The following days hearing their giggles just mended my heart and soul so much more. It was good to be home, I needed to be home.


When I think about it, my hospital stay last year was from the 3rd of Feb until the 17th of Feb, with my surgery on the 7th. It was so much longer than this time. However this stay seemed to get to me a little more even though it was much shorter. Maybe it was because I had already done it once before and I knew how much fun it WASN'T. I mean really...who wants to be a human pin cushion?

I know that because of all the thoughts and prayers that have gone out on our behalf, this surgery was truly a miracle. It is amazing and comforting to me that the power of prayer can have such a great effect on the lives of all of us. Thank you all for the prayers and support you have given me and my family. I know God answers prayers. I am walking proof of it.

Surgery Day

I will try to remember all that has happened since the surgery. I will try to recount how it all happened. Obviously since I was fairly drugged up I don't remember it all but there are bits and pieces I do remember.
The morning of the surgery was one of anxiety and excitement, I wanted to get it all over with but I didn't want to go through with it. We left my in-laws around 5:30 am. On the drive up to the University hospital I started getting more nervous, my bowels weren't feeling very good either. We arrived at the hospital and went up to the third floor to the neuro pre-surgery check in. We spoke to the lady at the desk then sat down in the waiting room.

It was filled with a surprising number of people, for this early in the morning. In groups of about 3 families each the lady called patients in and took them to their prep rooms. These little rooms were barely big enough for a bed and a chair. This is where I got dressed into my flattering gown, or should I say undressed. Little by little people started coming in and giving us the rundown on what would happen. We met with doctors, surgeons, anesthesiologists, assistants, and nurses. Surprisingly my surgeon was one of the first to come in. He greeted us and said he was confident things would go well. Mom and Dad showed up shortly after and we talked, they let us know of all the prayers being offered for us. One of the assistant surgeons came in and let us know all the doom and gloom that could come from this surgery. For legal reasons they have to. It appeared to be a little hard to take in for Mom. We all knew that we wouldn't have to worry about any of this but the reality was there.

IV's were then started and I was given a dose of "liquid courage" as the Anesthesiologist called it. I Shortly after started to fade. Still conscious to what was going on around me I said my good byes and remember being wheeled out of the tiny room. I remember being wheeled into the OR. I then remember asking the surgeons If I could say a prayer for all of us. I began my prayer and remember asking the Lord to bless the surgeons and myself. My speech was slurred but I was getting it out. I said amen and they put a mask over my nose and mouth.....and that is all I remember.

A Benefit on my behalf

What an amazing night. Amy and I showed up and met lots of great friends. The building that was donated was such a nice place. Check it out here. Take some time to browse their site and even go visit them. They have pictures of the benefit on their site too. The Codi Jordan Band was awesome, great music, just my type of chill music too.

There were lots of things set out on tables for the silent auction as well as great food Donated by Roosters There were many other people who came and donated items and time. It really took my mind off of the next days events. Many people drove very long distances to come and support us that night. It was such a boost to feel all the love.

Amber Goldsberry headed up the whole thing. She was amazing. With the little amount of time she had, she pulled off a night to never forget. By the end of the night a bidding war had commenced and it actually got really competitive. When the bidding ended some people even gave more than what their final bids were. It really touched us to see all the support and selflessness. We were able to give our thanks and say our good-byes. We were shocked at the amount of money that was raised to help us out!

All we can say is THANK YOU EVERYONE

This is it!

Thanks to all, here we go!!! See you on the flip side!

Time with Family, Friends and support from Loved ones.

The last few days have been busy ones. Trying to cram everything into the allotted time frame we have before the surgery. I have tried to make time fore everyone, but more touching to me is that everyone has been trying to make time for me. Saturday I spent time up at the Gun range blowing off steam with my brother Mike and great friends. It was a much needed release. That evening we went to Amy's dance recital, where all of her students did very well. At the recital Ethan performed for the first time, he did great, I was such a proud pop! We were also honored by the Dance studio with a gift that they had for us, It was very touching. Something we are forever grateful for.

After the visit with the Doctors on Monday, before I went back to work, I was able to take Amy on a lunch date. It was so good to get out just the two of us. Today we had a little BBQ in the back yard with the boys, just the 4 of us. These are memories we won't soon forget.

The outpouring of love and support from everyone has been unbelievable. We got a Stairway full of yellow flowers one morning, email and facebook comments have been pouring in, and a longtime great friend of mine Amber, has organized a benefit on my behalf.

Honestly with all the support we have received, I am at a loss for words.

All I can say is Thank you all so much!

Final Details

Monday Morning the 24th we headed up towards the Huntsman to visit with the Radiation Oncologist, and my surgeon, so we could find out the details of what would take place this coming week. At the first appointment we spoke with the team in charge of recommending what will happen in regards to Radiation treatments. Interestingly enough they hadn't gotten the info from the surgeon about my upcoming operation. They were under the impression that we would be starting Radiation treatments by the end of the week. Just a little communication gap. Once we had gotten everything sorted out they informed us that we would still do radiation after the surgery. We are not sure right now as to what kind of radiation they will do, whether a targeted pin point radiation or a more broad area treatment.

If we do the area treatment they will require that I go in every week day, Monday through Friday for about 4-5 weeks. The radiation will only be administered for about 1-5 mins. and then I would go home, Total time at the hospital for radiation would be about 30 mins each day. In preparation for the radiation they will do a series of CT scans to get all the measurements and do all the planning. A mold of my back will be created, an impression of sorts ,so when I lay down on it I will be in the same exact position every time, so as to not "fry" anything they weren't planning on frying. I would be getting 3 small tattoos probably the size of freckles, one on each side of my rib cage and one on my sternum as reference points for the lasers to align themselves on my body. Proper alignment is crucial so they don't damage anything they are not targeting. Side effects include fatigue, irritated throat, and irritated skin. Other than that I should be able to carry out my life as normal, Much different that the chemo I had the first time around where I was literally in bed for 2-3 days after each round, the exhaustion was incredible, and the side effects much worse. If this is the route we go with it sounds like it will be a... can I say, better experience, than the chemo.

As far as the surgery goes, we spoke to the surgeon and were told that after consulting with their team of doctors, they decided that we would just go in through the back, and not the front too. I was relieved!! They felt very confident that they could get the job done that way. He mentioned that the procedure would still be very risky because this time they would try to remove everything they could find in there, Including the remaining parts of the first tumor that they thought to be too risky to remove the first time. The risk will come with the fact that they will be digging around scar tissue and peeling tumor off from my Aorta which is up against my spine. This is also where they thought the tumor originated from, before it moved into T2 and T3. Leiomyosarcoma is a soft muscle tissue cancer. It usually infects muscle tissue that we can't control, such as organs and involuntary muscles. Mine was believed to have started in my Aorta and then metastasized into the spine. An extremely rare circumstance.

They will remove the rods I have in place and then cut out the cages in the T2 location. They will then cut out T3 and probably put 2 more screws into T6, one vertebrae lower that the bottom of my current fusion to add a little more stability. A larger spacer or cage will be placed to span the T2 and T3 locations, and longer rods will be attached to the new and existing screws. The amazing thing is that they don't plan on putting me into a cervical thoracic brace. With my existing screws already being well established in my back they should provide enough support. Pretty crazy when you think about it. They will just unbolt me and do their thing then bolt me back together! Now that is my kind of work!! I guess you can never have enough hardware. I always tend to come home from the local hardware store with a little extra then what I had planned. I guess it applies here too! ;)

We were also told that the tissue healing would take longer this time because it always does the second time you go digging in the same location. I am just elated to not have to use the neck brace, it was such a pain in the...well, neck! (heavy sarcasm there) Things will go well and with the help of the Lord I will heal quickly. I have received many blessings that have given me comfort and whatever the outcome of this will be, we are at peace.

Painful Reminders

The whole idea that I have another tumor growing in my spine hasn't really hit home yet. What I mean by that is, I haven't really noticed any extra pain, that is until just the last few days. I remember back to the first time that all of this happened. I had discomfort in my back first, then it moved to actual pain, after which it started to cause numbing sensations in the lower extremities of my body. By that Time the pain was unbearable. I think that with this tumor being in the "newer" stages of growth the pain won't get nearly as bad as the first time, before the Surgeons remove it. The thing I have on my side right now is that after the first surgery most of my upper back was completely numb. To this day, most of it is still numb. Some sensations have grown back over time, but I mostly feel pressure if touched on my back. With all the surface nerves that they cut through as well as the T2 nerve roots that were cut, I really don't feel much back there at all. If you cant feel it then it doesn't hurt right!? Well for the most part at least.

For the last few days I have noticed that numbing sensation around my mid section, or "Love handles" (yeah I do have them). The numbing is slight but noticeable. I have also noticed that I tend to get what feels like muscle cramps that don't go away, in my mid back. I wake up in the morning and feel OK, that makes sense, I have been laying down all night. The pressure from standing all day has been relieved during a nights sleep. At work things are great up until about noon, I then start to feel that cramping feeling. I guess the day is already catching up to me. If you think about it I have the weight of two arms and a large head bearing down onto that part of my spine. I then try to ignore it as best I can. By the time I get home it has already been bothering me for a while, I sadly tend to be a little more "short" with those I love most.

The best way I can describe it is something like this; Someone tapping you on the shoulder, at first you shrug it off, the tapping doesn't stop, they keep tapping you incessantly and you try to ignore it. Well by this time no matter where you go or what you do that person is right behind you tapping you on the shoulder. The tapping is in the same spot, so you are getting sore, annoyed, and frustrated. It just won't stop. Sooner or later you just can't ignore it any more and you snap. Too many times have my patience run out at the end of the day, when I get home and my little boys just want me to play with them. Instead there have been times where I have found myself brushing them off, trying to find some relief to the relentlessness of the "tapping on my shoulder". I get a little teary eyed just thinking about it. I hate to be that way.

These are the painful reminders of the first time we went through this and the reminder that I still have a bit to go through again. The pain isn't too intense. I can honestly say that it doesn't hurt too bad. However, it's the slight pain that goes on for a long time that wears you down. This is no excuse for being short with my boys or wife. When I am not feeling any discomfort I try to spend good quality time playing with the boys, and I love my time with them. I just need to find it deep down within to push the nagging aches to the back of my mind and not let it get to me. Hopefully that way I can spare my family of my childish moodiness, and lack of patience when I just can't take it any more.

With the Date of my operation moving closer and closer, I have to look for the positive things. I will be able to be home to spend more time with my Little Family. The constant aches and nagging twinges hopefully will be a thing of the past, albeit replaced by major aches and pains but hopefully they will be a more temporary ordeal. I will probably get to watch lots of M*A*S*H reruns too! (yeah I'm am a huge fan) Also the hope that this will be the final chapter of my surgery saga!

Family and Friends

Sunday was a day of incredible support. I was asked by my parents if we were going to go over for Sunday dinner. Thinking nothing of it I said we would be there. The morning went well as we attended Church. The boys did alright although they got very restless and started to show us how tired they really were. I am sure anyone with kids knows exactly what I mean. I feel like I got the peace and rejuvenation I so badly needed after a very emotional week.

We were on our way to Mom and Dad's house and as we rounded the corner onto their street, I realized this wasn't going to be just our regular Sunday dinner. The street was lined with cars, and there were people standing out in the yard. Hanging over the Garage door was a big yellow sign with words of encouragement, there was even chalk writing in the street. I felt overwhelmed and before I got out of the car while in the driveway, the tears began to flow. I knew that the same support system I had the first time around was going to be there for me the second time.

My Brother had organized the whole thing, and had gotten help from my Sisters, Family and Friends. It was such a surprise to me it completely took me off guard. We had tons of food and everyone had brought their own meat to grill. It was so much fun. It really helped me get my mind off of things. I enjoyed seeing everyone who took the time to come out and show their support. It really meant a lot to me. Knowing that everyone there had organized a group fast on our behalf and that they had been praying for us really got the emotions flowing. I am very great full for the people I have surrounding me.